


The Grey

by LivingDeadGirl96



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Angst, Angst and Humor, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Mental Health Issues, Romance, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-27
Packaged: 2018-07-29 00:32:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7663177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LivingDeadGirl96/pseuds/LivingDeadGirl96
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's 2 in the afternoon on Tuesday when Kim Jongdae is dropped off by his manager at some mental hospital like last night's garbage. He hates this place. He hates everyone here...till he meets a certain man that oddly reminds him of a puppy...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is personal to me, simply because I stuggle with some of the things mentioned throughout the fic. I am pouring myself into it and I hope I can entertain people for a few moments. However, if you are easily triggered by mental issues, please don't read.

“This place is fucking stupid! Why the fuck am I even in here?” Chen grumbles to himself, beyond angry. 

His manager’s got a death grip on his arm, leading him inside the building that resembles a prison more so than a mental health facility.

As soon as they’re through the first door, Chen’s heart rate speeds up and he feels like throwing up. His ‘fight or flight’ response kicks in and he’s instinctively yanking away from the older man’s touch. 

“Chen! Stop this. You are getting help!” He snaps, yanking the young man’s small body forward. 

Chen is silent, yet fuming as he’s dragged up to the receptionist’s desk. 

“May I help you?” She asks with a small smile that’s aimed at the angier of the two.

“Yeah, he’s here to check in. He’s diagnosed as being a fucking prick.” Chen leans forward, popping the gum he’d been chewing all morning. 

His manager groans, swearing under his breath and pulls out some paperwork. “Don’t listen to him. He’s the one who’s being checked in. The doctor should have faxed over his files.” 

The receptionist, much to Chen’s chagrin, listens to the older male and begins going through the files. 

“Ah, yes, you’re Kim Jongdae?” She asks, looking at Chen. 

“Yep.” He replies boredly, popping the ‘p’ sound obscenely.

“Alright, well if you’ll come with me, I’ll show you to your room.” The receptionist continues smiling as she stands up. She’s pretty and seems nice; almost too pretty and nice for a place like here. 

“I’ve got to go back to work. Does he need anything else signed by me?” The manager asks the lady.

She shakes her head. “No, the first few weeks are about transition. If he needs any medication or other special treatments, we can fax you.” 

The man nods his head curtly and turns his eyes to the pitifully small man in front of him. “Please don’t hate me.” 

Chen’s eyes harden as if the man had slapped him. “I already do. You and every other fucking person who’s idea it was to stick me in here.”  
The manager looks at him. Nothing he says will change the smaller man’s feelings, but this is the only way to help him get better. Maybe one day, Chen will forgive him, maybe not today, but someday.

He squeezes Chen’s arm, only to have the man shake it off violently. 

The manager takes that as his cue to leave, saying a silent prayer for the man...boy.

“Sir, if you’ll follow me.” The too sweet receptionist chirps, cautiously touching Chen’s arm.

Closing his eyes, he holds back the tears that threaten to fall. Instead, he sighs and gives her the best glare he can muster. 

She takes his actions as a sign of cooperation and starts walking down the hall. Chen follows a few paces behind and scans the cold building with judging eyes. Whites, grays, and blacks cover the place. It really does remind him of a prison. He can also hear crying.

“Not a very happy place at first, I know, but our facility is the best at helping people on the road to recovery.” Miss receptionist recites, as if she’s reading from some propaganda.

Chen can’t help but scoff. He doesn’t ‘need’ to be here. He doesn’t ‘want’ to be here.

They then stop in front of yet another neutral colored door.

“This is your room.” She tells him as she opens the door. “As the pamphlet stated, the only items not allowed are items that will be detrimental to your recovery. This means items like cigarettes, diet pills, and any other medications, as well as sharp objects and gum are prohibited.”

Chen stares at her. Gum was his drug of choice. He was like a chain smoker who hadn’t had a fix yet if he didn’t have gum. 

“Please, if you have any of these items on you, hand them over or we will be forced to conduct a search.” She tells him sternly, not at all seeming like the sweet receptionist she’d been a few moments ago. 

“You would just love that; coping a feel and going through my personal shit.” He barks in his default language-sarcasm, sprinkled with bitterness.

“Mr. Kim, you signed this form giving us consent to search you and your room as needed.” The woman explains, handing the paper to him. 

Wait, when did he sign this? 

Scoffing and opening up his bag, he begins going through his belongings. 

Within minutes, he’s bringing out a half open bottle of over-the-counter diet pills, a box of laxatives, and a pack of gum. 

He feels adrenaline creep up his spine as the receptionist writes the information on her clipboard and bags up the prohibited items. 

“Alright, Mr. Kim, another staff member will be here soon to escort you through the initial check in process.” Miss Receptionist mentions as she takes her leave, probably going back to her cozy desk job far away from stupid fuck ups like him.


	2. Chapter 2

Almost an hour later, there’s a knock on his door. He doesn’t move from his position, face down on his bed, to open it.

“Hello? Mr. Kim.” The male voice carries like far reaching waves on the ocean. 

Finally getting the mental strength to sit up, he faces the newest of Satan’s little helpers. 

“Jongdae is it? I’m Joonmyeon. I’m sorry for keeping you waiting so long. I had an issue with another patient” The smaller looking man apologizes earnestly.

Chen eyes him over. He looks good; handsome. His weight is proportioned just right and there’s just a hint of well defined muscle in his arms. 

Jealousy washes over him. Some people just had it so easy.

“My name’s Chen.” He snaps suddenly.

Surprisingly, Joonmyeon doesn’t flinch. He smiles. “Alright, Chen. Follow me and I’ll introduce you to your new home.

Reluctantly, Chen follows, since he really has no other options...yet.

Joonmyeon brings them to a door with a name tag on it. He doesn’t know if the person is male or female, but they have the initials Dr. in front of the name. It’s obvious this is the doctor’s office.

Joonmyeon enters the room first, followed by Chen. The large window allows an unhealthy amount of sunshine to enter the room. The desk, which is two toned in color thanks to having one side exposed to more sunlight than the other, houses a mountain of files and a large screened desktop. 

“Hello.” A warm, slightly nasally deep voice chirps out.  
Chen looks at the voice’s owner. It’s a male, with darkened skin that contrasts beautifully with a mop of blonde hair. Brown eyes crinkle into crescent moons and Chen feels his eyes avert the kind gaze. 

“Chen, this our resident doctor and head of the nursing staff, Mr. Kim.” Joonmyeon introduces, placing Chen’s file on the mountain of similar files. 

“Please, call me Kai.” The man, Kai, offers his hand to shake, but Chen refuses. He’s still too stubborn. 

A high pitched beeper begins going off in short bursts, breaking the tension that had built up.

Joonmyeon looks down at the pager and frowns. 

“I have to go.” He tells the two men. “Emergency with one of my patients.” 

Kai simply watches after Joonmyeon’s figure with fondness as he leaves the room.

The tension builds back up as Chen looks around the room, unsure of what to do to get out of here. For once, he doesn’t want to be a complete dick. This Kai, guy just radiates kindness and it’s unnerving.

“Have a seat, Chen. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna hurt you.” The Dr. calmly states, with a small chuckle at the end. 

“What if I wanted you to?” Chen snips back, clearly being sarcastic.

“Then I can make you an appointment with my wife.” Kai replies, winking. He’s clearly used to sass and knows how to nip it in the bud.

Chen effectively shuts up, cheeks warm from embarrassment.

Kai flips through the file and types in a few facts into his computer. 

“So your name’s Kim Jongdae?” He asks. 

Chen nods. “But I don’t like that name.” 

Kai nods and continues. “It says you sing. Is that your career?” 

Chen shrugs. “Been on a few music shows and played some gigs.”

Kai looks at the young man and smiles knowlingly. “I know. My coworker, Minseok spent half his paycheck on your merch last Christmas for his sister.” 

Chen’s left speechless, but then his mind kicks into overdrive. With his status, he’s probably a target for several scams now. He can’t trust anyone. They’ll just con him till he’s broke...or dead…


	3. Chapter 3

“Don’t worry. I won’t tell a soul.” Kai reassures him. “You’re my patient and I am obligated to keep my patient confidentiality in tact.”

Chen scoffs and looks out the overly bright window. Everyone lies.

“Alright Chen, let’s get started.” Kai’s voice then takes on a professional undertone that pulls Chen’s focus from the mind numbing scenery outside.

“I’m going to be weighing you and doing some simple medical tests. Then we’ll move on to the psychological evaluation.” The Dr. explains, leading Chen to an exam room. 

A paper gown is handed to him and ten minutes later he’s standing on a scale.

Each moment passes and the Dr.’s lips form a deep frown. It deepens after every second that goes by. 

Chen doesn’t look at the scale. He doesn’t want to look at the fucking thing. He knows that the number will only make him even more depressed. 

The doctor charts down Chen’s weight and readies his needle to draw blood. 

Chen doesn’t flinch when the needle pierces his vein. Kai expected this at least. The boy had tattoos covering most of his exposed skin. 

“You doing okay?” Kai asks when Chen returns to staring out the window. 

Chen lazily looks up from the scenery to face the Dr. “Fucking peachy.”

Kai purses his lips. This boy was stubborn. 

Once the blood work and other medical tests are performed, Kai charts everything down, then sits in front of Chen.

“Alright, Chen, do you know why you’re here at this facility?” Kai questions.

Chen sighs and leans forward. “Of course; because some fucking pricks decided I was sick and forced me to come here.”  
Kai’s neutral expression sours. “Some of them might be pricks, but not all of them. They want you to get better.”

“Ya deaf or something? I said I’m not fucking sick!” Chen snaps. 

Kai doesn’t yell. He simply looks at the kid. Chen’s actually older than him by a little over two years, but he’s smaller, so much smaller. And breaking down like this, he resembles a child, an angry and scared child.

“What made you this way?” Kai wonders sadly.

“Chen,” he speaks, hoping to break his downward spiral. “Look at me.”

After several moments, Chen’s dull eyes meet Kai’s. Both feel the need to pull away. Kai feels like he’s drowning in the sadness that’s in the older’s eyes. Chen feels the opposite. The kindness in the Dr.’s eyes is too bright, too much for his heart to handle. 

“Chen, I want you to take this marker and draw yourself on that wall. Show me what you see.” Kai instructs, handing over a black sharpie, then pointing to a wall covered in thin paper. 

Hesitant at first, Chen takes the marker. He looks up at the wall that’s covered in the clean paper, waiting to be defiled by a fraction of the self disgust that lingers within him.

Once he’s finished with his self portrait, Chen hands the marker back to Kai and waits to be told off; to be laughed at for pointing out how fucked up he is. 

But there is no laughing. Kai never laughs during this part of the treatment process. This is the part where he wants to wrap every single person that walks through his door in the biggest hug he can give and tell them that it’s gonna be okay.


	4. Chapter 4

Chen’s feet shift in anxiousness. It’s too silent. 

Kai finally breaks the tension by gesturing for Chen to stand beside him. “Walk me through your drawing. Explain it to me.”

Furrowing his brow, Chen does stand closer to the taller man, and feels his body heat up with anxiety as he glances at his picture.

“Pretty obvious. I’m fucked up.” The small man shrugs, attempting to play this all off. 

Kai purses his lips, not upset that his latest patient is so damn stubborn. “Alright, well tell me, why did you draw your head so large?” 

Chen looks at the drawing, his voice dropping an octave. “I have a big head.”

“And the stick body?” Kai presses. 

“I’m too scrawny.” Chen replies, growing more uncomfortable. 

“The rounded stomach?”

Chen’s expression sours devilishly. “You know damn well what that means.”

Kai isn’t surprised, and continues his evaluation.

The drawing has words and other things that depict what’s going on in the man’s sick mind. 

There’s lines drawn on various limbs that Kai knows all too well mean self harm scars, or thoughts of self harm. The words show nothing but anger and low self esteem. 

“Stupid…”

“Worthless…”

“Loud…”

“Annoying…”

Chen isn’t looking at the drawing, or Kai. He stares out the window, hoping to God that this fucking evaluation goes by just as fast at all the other ‘evaluations’ he’s had in his 24 year old life. 

Dr. Kai takes his time, however. He wants to understand his patient. He wants to show him that people do, in fact, care. 

Holding out his hand, Kai addresses the smaller man. “Hand me the marker, Chen.”

After a moment of thought, Chen hands it over, unsure of what’s going to happen. Is he going to be given medications? Be required to attend therapy sessions? Maybe there’s nothing wrong with him and this is all one big, fucked up nightmare. 

“Can you stand against the wall, again? I just want to show you something.” the Dr. tells him calmly.

Chen does so, watching him with cautious eyes. He still doesn’t like being around this man that radiates such positive energy and kindness. It goes against the very grain of his personality.

Kai takes the cap off the marker and begins tracing the outline of Chen’s body; not how Chen sees himself, but how he actually is.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
It takes maybe two minutes and when he’s finished, he guides Chen to stand beside him and look at it. 

“Chen, you drew what you thought was you. I went back and drew you as you really are. See any differences?” Kai asks. 

Chen frowns hard as he looks at the Doc’s sketch. He’s definitely smaller than he originally thought...he could almost be mistaken for a woman with that silhouette. Damn he needs to hit the gym more. 

“Your primary doctor put in his notes that for the past few years you’ve been dropping weight fast and showed signs of depression.” Kai mentions as they go back to his desk. 

“Doctors say all kinds of shit.” Chen snaps, not liking how his gut is twisting at the mention of his weight and mental health.

“It also says you refused medication... ‘because they’re full of shit, and you don’t eat shit’?” Kai reads off the note, chuckling at the words Chen’s primary doctor had written.

“You laughing at me?” Chen asks, narrowing his eyes and crossing his thin arms. 

Kai shakes his head and smiles warmly at the thin man. “No, actually. I’m impressed. Most people chug down whatever someone in one of these coats prescribes them without ever asking what’s happening to their bodies.” He takes the hem of his white coat and waves it between his fingers once. 

“Well, I’ve been here almost an hour and you haven’t even mentioned any medicines you want me to take...are you sure you’re even a doctor?” The small man asks smartly, looking up at the clock. 

Kai leans back in his chair, mentally assessing his newest patient. “I can assure you I’m a doctor...I just do things a bit differently than most.”


	5. Chapter 5

Chen quirks a well groomed eyebrow, curious despite himself. “How so?” 

“I’m glad you asked.” Kai smiles, pulling out a notepad. 

“First off,” the doctor begins as he scrawls something on the paper. “I don’t believe in pumping my patients full of drugs right off the bat.”

Chen continues listening, slowly gaining some respect for this guy, doctor, whatever he was. 

“Secondly, I believe a big key to the...recovery process, is finding a group of people to trust and lean on for support.”

Chen’s heart skips a beat at the mention of other people and socializing. He doesn’t do well with others. He doesn’t like people and never will. "I don't need 'recovery' and I damn well don't need people. They're all idiots anyways."

“That’s why, you’ll attend group therapy sessions regularly, as well as one on one sessions with one our our personal therapists that you were assigned to.” Kai continues, ignoring Chen's snide remarks and handing the paper with the words ‘therapy’ and ‘group session’ scrawled on it in black ink. 

Chen glares at the Dr. and upturns his lip in disgust. “You really think sitting in a damn circle is gonna make things better?” 

Kai, ever patient, refuses to raise his voice. “Nope. In fact, it may make things worse, but I want you at least try it. If it isn’t for you then come to me and we’ll work something out. I promise.” 

Chen’s cheeks flush. He wants so badly to yell and scream. He wants to blame someone, anyone for the way he feels...or doesn’t feel.

But Dr. Kai doesn’t deserve the wrath of some fucked up mistake like himself. 

“Alright.” Chen mumbles before leaving the office to go back to his room.   
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Once Chen leaves the office, Kai reclines back in his shitty chair. A gust of breath leaves his lungs and his overworked mind is already forming prayers to non existent gods. 

But for what? What does he pray for? For his patients obviously. He personally has four open cases that he’s dealing with; each one being more heartbreaking than the next and his soul is shattering under the weight of trying to help them. He closes his eyes and enjoys the few moments of absolute quiet.

The setting sun that’s gleaming through the small office should be signal enough for Kai to start packing his stuff up for the day, but it isn’t until his phone rings that he moves from his seat. 

He glances at the caller ID and smiles. 

“Hey, babe.” He mumbles happily as he packs up his things and leaves his stuffy office.  
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Yah! Kim Jongdae! It’s time to wake up!” A knock and a loud voice blares at stupid o’ clock in the morning. 

Chen glances at the clock in his room. It read 5:30...am. 

“Jongdae, it’s time for your morning weigh in.” The voice on the other side of his door alerts him. 

Cursing his very existence, Chen manages to pry himself from his warm bed and answer the annoying stranger, who leads him down the hall to Dr. Kai’s office. 

“Oh, good morning Chen! How are you?” The kind man asks as he looks at his clipboard. 

Chen refuses to answer, still far too tired to function. 

“Okay, let’s get you weighed.” The man continues, helping Chen to his feet and showing him where the scale is. 

Once he’s weighed, Chen is escorted back to his room where he immediately falls back asleep.

At 9 am he’s awoken again and escorted to the cafeteria. He realizes he’s heading there as soon as he smells the overwhelming scents of meat and eggs cooking. 

It's almost enough to send him running. 

"No!" He blurts out in a split second of rage. 

"No! You're gonna make me eat that shit!" He screams before tearing away from his escort and attempting to escape this hellhole. 

Five orderlies are on his ass in a matter of seconds and manage to corner him. But he has an advantage. He has nothing to lose. 

Grabbing a fork off of one of the tables, Chen aims it at his jugular. 

"Don't push me, I'll do it. I'm not scared!" He roars as the five 'bullies' surround him. 

"Jongdae, please. We don't want to hurt you. Just come with us." One attempts to negotiate. 

"Why? So you can drug me up? Fatten me up like a pig? Maybe toss me around a bit, see if I'm a good fuck?" Chen lashes out, growing more and more paranoid with each second. 

"Come on, just let us take you to a table and make sure you eat." Another orderly offers, stepping forward. 

"Stay away! I'll kill myself! I fucking will!" Chen warns as he presses the fork closer to his neck. 

"You're not gonna do it. You're too chicken." A third orderly spoke up. 

Sweat pools to the surface of Chen's skin and his eyes dart frantically from one face to another. They're out to get him, he's sure. This is what hell feels like.


	6. Chapter 6

"Chen!" A deep voice calls out, distracting Chen from his downward mental spiral. 

And the orderlies decided this was the perfect time to ambush him. 

Together, three charged at him, easily grabbing him and taking him down. 

If it weren't for these circumstances, it'd be comical-- seeing them so scared of a barely hundred pound boy.

"That's enough! You're going to hurt him!" The voice that had distracted Chen shouted. 

Surprisingly, the orderlies were listening to the man...somewhat. Chen looked up and saw the familiar face. It was Dr. Kai. 

"Little fucker was gonna off himself, and go down swinging." The orderly who held Chen in a choke hold explained, as if he was doing him a favor.

"His name is Chen, and I'd appreciate it if you let go of him and go back to your post. That goes for all of you. I can handle him from here." Kai stated, ever so calmly.

The orderlies reluctantly loosened their hold on Chen and began their retreat. "If he gives you any shit, don't hesitate to call us back in, Dr. Kai."

Kai chuckled warmly and placed a hand on the orderly's shoulder. "We'll be fine. He'll just be having lunch with me in my office."

Once the commotion died down, Kai reached a hand out to Chen. "Are you okay? They didn't hurt you badly did they?"

Chen, still processing everything that happened, shook his head and grabbed the doctor's hand. 

"Good. They serve a purpose...but they get carried away sometimes." 

"They're fucking mean." Chen manages to mumble.

Kai, who had been smiling, frowns, then goes back to smiling. "Come on. We can sit in my office." 

Chen's forehead creases as he frowns in distrust. "You're not making me sit in there? Or eat?"

Kai shook his head. "It's crowded, loud, and overwhelming. Don't think you'd want to be there. Besides, there's some people I want you to meet."

Curiosity getting the better of him, Chen allows himself to follow Kai down the hall to his office. 

"I hope you don't mind I sort of work during lunch. I've got a few patients waiting and I think you'll like them." Kai smiled, looking at Chen with assurance. "Who knows, you may make some new friends."

Chen rolls his eyes. "I doubt it."

Never losing his smile, Kai opens his office door and walks in. Chen reluctantly follows and is greeted by two people sitting in the chairs.

"Oh, hay Dr. Kai." A tall, thin man with black hair and cheekbones to kill for smiled.

The other man simply nods his head and offers a shy smile to the pair. Chen notes that he has large doey eyes and a feminine face.

"Hay guys, I hope you don't mind if I brought my newest patient, Chen, in to have lunch with us." Kai introduces, bringing out a chair for Chen. 

They both quickly mention that they don't mind him staying and introduce themselves. 

"I'm Sehun, and this is Luhan. He Chinese, but doesn't speak much Korean." The tall guy offers, showing off a near perfect smile.

"I'm Chen." He states sullenly, still trying not to let people in behind his wall. The two men continue smiling, seeming happy to see Chen.

All four people then sit around Kai's desk as Dr. Kai flips through a file and munches on a sandwich. 

"Sehun, how's group going? Are you comfortable? Opening up any?" He asks, and Chen's eyes widen in surprise. Wasn't this stuff supposed to be confidential?

"I like it. I'm making friends. There's a guy, Chanyeol. He's really nice and funny." Sehun smiles shyly.

Dr. Kai smiles and notes something in Sehun's file. "That's good."

He glances at the smaller man. "Luhan, are the meds I prescribed helping any? Are you sleeping better?"

Sehun turns to Luhan and speaks to him in Chinese, relaying Kai's messages.

Luhan's soft voice tells Sehun the answers and Sehun tell's Kai.

"He says they're working well. He still feels lethargic though. He doesn't want to be here."

"Luhan, I know you don't want to be here, but if you want to finish school, you need this. You need to get healthy and back to your family."

Sehun speaks rapidfire Chinese back to Luhan and he frowns deeply.

"He wants to know why this guy's here and why we're talking with you while he's listening." Sehun then says, glancing at Chen.

Chen sits there dumbly for a moment.

"This is Chen. He's here for treatment just like you. He's a musician too." Kai introduces.


	7. Chapter 7

Slowly the days pass by, and Chen finds himself in his third month in this place. Each day is close to being the same, with a specific routine that he follows, which leaves him strangely less depressed than before he’d been admitted...

Each morning he’s woken up at 5:30 for a weigh in and then he goes back to sleep till 9, when he’s woken up for breakfast. After breakfast he goes outside for a smoke with his new found friend, Luhan. They share hours of conversation in Chinese, being two of the only ones who can understand the language, and then it’s lunch time. Usually he spends lunch with Dr. Kai, who’s still so sickeningly nice that it’s almost infuriating. 

Today, after lunch, Chen is practically forced from the kind Doctor’s office to go to group therapy. It’s probably the worst part of his day, aside from being forced to eat. 

“Everyone, I’d like to welcome a new face to our group session. He just came here last night, so make him feel comfortable.” The shrink states cheerfully. Seriously, how could anyone be cheerful in a place like this?

Following her line of sight, the circle of people slowly claps and waits for the newcomer to stand and introduce themselves. 

An extremely small man...or boy, stands up. His clothes nearly fall off his painfully thin frame and his skeletal hand pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

“Hello, my name’s Baekhyun. It’s nice to meet you.” He greets, bowing thrice to make sure he bowed to everyone in the circle.

The group replies in unison with their own greeting, welcoming the new stranger. The shrink then tells him to find a seat so Group can officially start. 

The male’s eyes dart around the room for an empty seat and he dashes to the first one he spots. It ends up being beside Chen. 

Chen looks to his left at Luhan as if to say “really?”, but otherwise has no reaction to Baekhyun. In fact, he almost forgets that he’s even there as their session begins.

After group, Luhan and Chen meet up outside in their secret hideout in order to have another smoke. 

“Wonder who that new kid’s gonna be rooming with.” Luhan ponders as he passes a cigarette to Chen. 

Chen shrugs his shoulders as he lights up and inhales the deadly vapors. “Don’t know. Don’t really care as long as it’s not with me.”

Luhan nods his head in acknowledgement and blows a cloud of smoke into the air. “With his looks it won’t be long before he’s passed around like a heroin needle.”

Chen scoffs at his friend’s remark. “Says the pretty boy who was mistaken for a girl by his own Aunt.”

Luhan shoves Chen lightly. “Yah! That was one time and I had long hair. Besides, I’m manly.” He snaps as he spreads his arms out to the side and flexes his biceps in order to prove himself. Although, how exactly did having big biceps equal being manly?

“Why do I even hang out with you?” Chen mumbles, taking another drag of his cigarette. 

“Because you love my winning personality, and the free smokes I provide.”

Before Chen can reply to that, an orderly shouts that it’s time for evening meal and mass. Quite frankly, Chen doesn’t want to go to either one, but thankfully attending mass is optional. Him and the Almighty haven’t exactly seen eye to eye for a while...and probably never will.

Reluctantly, the two guys stub out their cigarettes, hide the pack and lighter, and leave the scene. 

As they sit down to eat their meals, Chen and Luhan are joined by a tall, lean figure who joins them, looking from the two friends with a smile on his face. 

“Sehun, you’re late.” Luhan accuses his friend.

Sehun can’t stop smiling for some reason. “Sorry. Had to meet with Dr. Kai. Another few days and I’ll be able to go home.” 

Chen and Luhan both look at him like he’s insane. “You’re joking, right?”

Sehun shakes his head as he digs into the meal. “Nope. I’m back down to a normal weight, I’m taking my meds, and I watch how much I eat. Dr. Kai says that I’ll be able to go home this weekend.” 

Luhan looks sad. “What about me? You’re just gonna leave me?” 

Sehun frowns, but answers honestly. “That’s why you need to get better, Luhan. Then you’ll be able to leave too.”

Luhan huffs before snapping. “There’s nothing wrong with me.” 

Sehun frowns in concern. “Luhan--”

“No, don’t you “Luhan” me. Just go listen to your precious Dr. Kai and leave me like everyone else!” Luhan growls, shoving his plate away and getting up. 

Chen had been sitting there watching the whole conversation derail, and now he looks at Sehun. The poor kid looks close to tears.

“I shouldn’t have said anything.” The barely 21 year old mumbles.

Chen purses his lips and places a hand on the kid’s shoulder. “You’re getting out soon. He should’ve been happy for you.” 

“I’m leaving him. He sees it as me betraying him.” Sehun continues pouting, his lower lip jutting out slightly.

“No one said he was very bright.” Chen teases, trying to lessen the sadness on Sehun’s face. 

However it doesn’t work well. Sehun still looks like he’s about to cry.

“I’m gonna go check on him.” He tells Sehun, patting the younger on his shoulder before leaving the table.

“Hay, you didn’t eat.” Sehun calls back, eyeing a still painfully thin Chen.

Chen tosses him a smile before leaving the room. “I’m not hungry.” 

As Chen goes in search of Luhan, he walks past the chapel. Usually it’s emptier than the eye sockets of a skeleton, but today there is a figure sitting in the first pew. 

From this distance, it kinda sorta maybe looks like Luhan, which was dumb because Luhan hated religion of any sort.

Chen decides to inch closer to get a better idea of if this person is his friend, and is met by soft murmuring and sniffles.

Looking past the broken sobbing, Chen identifies the murmuring as Chinese; Beijing dialect to be exact. This was definitely Luhan.

He thinks about going forward and sitting with his friend, but decides against it. If Luhan felt the need to consult some deity he didn’t even believe in, then maybe he shouldn’t interrupt. Who knows? Maybe this God existed and could help him. Luhan deserved that.

Chen is startled from his thoughts when he feels the presence of a third person. He glances to his right and his heart calms. It’s that new guy...what was his name? Baekhyun? That sounded right.

Without saying anything, Baekhyun gives Chen a once over then nods his head as if approving of what he saw. Chen just watches him as he does this and continues watching as Baekhyun takes a seat in the pew behind Luhan. He bows his head as if praying.

Chen looks up at the statue of Jesus that was placed at the altar and shifts uncomfortably. Religion was something that was instilled in him as a child, but he’s long since given up on the whole idea of God and the afterlife. Still, he feels rude for intruding on Baekhyun’s and Luhan’s personal time so he quietly slinks out of the chapel and walks to his room to take an afternoon nap before he goes to visit Dr. Kai.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOD GUYS IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I'VE POSTED ANYTHING FOR THIS! 
> 
> I'm soooo sorry! Things have been really crazy for me this summer, but I have been reading your sweet comments on this fic and I just can't abandon it anymore! Thank you thank you thank you for taking an interest in my work and I really hope you aren't bored by this update! I know it doesn't have a lot going on so far but I have things planned so please stay tuned! 
> 
> I love you all and hope you enjoy!

True to Dr. Kai's words, Sehun is discharged and allowed to return home. Several of the staff give him hugs and cards and well wishes, which isn't surprising. Sehun is the type of person people just liked. The boy would be missed, but if anyone deserved to make it to the other side, Sehun definitely did.

Chen smiles, hiding the pang of sadness in his heart at seeing Sehun now. He'd come so fucking far. Chen fills pride fill his heart.

"Hay, no crying on me." Sehun fake scolds as he hugs his older friend. 

Chen chuckles, returning the hug. "Gonna miss you kid. It's not gonna be the same without ya."

Sehun rolls his eyes. "Then get better soon and we can hang out, like real people."

For a half second the idea strongly appeals to Chen and he wishes he was leaving this prison as well.

A moment of silence fills the space between the two friends and Chen can't help but notice that there is someone missing; someone who is VERY important to Sehun. 

"I'm sure he's just not feeling well. Otherwise he'd be here." Chen consoles, making a mental note to kick Luhan's ass for not being here to see Sehun off. 

"It's okay. Just...promise me you'll look out for him?" Sehun asks in a small voice.

Chen nods his head violently, willing to agree to almost anything that would bring a smile to Sehun's face. "Of course. Don't you worry."

Sehun purses his lips when he realizes that this was it. There's nothing keeping him here anymore; no weight issues, no medical issues, no mental issues, his goodbyes had all been said. It's time to move on.

Sehun gives a final hug to Chen before grabbing his things and walking outside where Chen assumed a taxi or friend was waiting to escort Sehun to his new home, to his new life.  
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Jongdae doesn't come into contact with Luhan until much later, at their designated smoking area. 

Chen approaches the Chinese man slowly, trying to chose the right words to say.

Luhan gives him a lazy once over before tossing him the pack of contraband. Chen takes a cigarette and hands it back to Luhan. Together they stare out at the courtyard. The weather is just cool enough to keep most people inside. That's one thing about people who have eating disorders. One of the more uniform symptoms is the inability to stay warm, even in "warm" temperatures.

"Sehun left today." Chen tells his friend.

Luhan is quiet, brushing ash off the end of his cigarette. "Hope he has a good life. Kid deserves it."

Chen frowns. "He was hoping to at least get to say goodbye."

"Too bad."

Chen's eyes widen and he looks at Luhan. "What the fuck's your issue? Sehun and you were practically attached at the hip! Don't you miss him?" 

Luhan stubs out what was left of his cig on the railing and pulls out a fresh one. He lights it up and blows smoke into the air, then looks at Chen. "He would've been better off not knowing me."

Chen notices the look in Luhan's eyes. There's a faint glossiness to them that's hard to miss with how blown out Luhan's pupils are. There's also the smell.

Angrily stubbing his cigarette out, Chen turns to walk away. He doesn't want to deal with this right now.

"Hay, where are you going?" Luhan calls out, still enjoying his smoke.

"You're drunk." is all Chen says, going back to his room so he doesn't have to deal with assholes.  
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Jongdae feels the downy hairs on the back of his neck stand on end when he notices Baekhyun on the spare bed. And it doesn't have anything to do with Baekyun personally. He has no qualms with the slim brunette. Instead, Chen has issues with the administration of this place, stipping him of his dignity, and now they were taking away his last shred of total privacy by making him share a room. 

But Jongdae is too tired of people to say anything rude or spiteful. He collapses on his bed and closes his eyes against the harsh lights on the ceiling that shut off every day at 11 pm. 

"I sleepwalk sometimes, just warning you." Baekhyun suddenly announces.

Chen doesn't even open his eyes. This guy was just his roommate, not his friend, not his problem. "Just don't wake me up."


	9. Chapter 9

Jongdae learns many things about his new roommate in the following weeks that come. For one, Baekhyun DOES in fact, talk in his sleep. Even though Jongdae dislikes it to the point he imagines ripping the brunette’s vocal chords out, he reminds himself that the guy can’t help it...and he did warn him ahead of time. But other than that, Baekhyun is...quiet. He doesn’t make much noise when he moves around and sometimes, if it weren’t for Jongdae purposely looking at the bed opposite him, he would forget that he had a roommate.

Jongdae also believes that Baekhyun can sing. Every so often he catches him mumbling the words to random songs while reading. That’s another thing. Baekhyun loves reading. 

 

“And that’s all you know about the guy? He’s a sleep talking loner who reads and may or may not have a nice voice?” Luhan asks with a scoff while puffing out a plume of smoke. 

Jongdae rolls his eyes as he takes a drag from his own cigarette; the warm smoke barely providing any comfort against the sudden chill in the air that early Fall brings. “Okay, he may also be religious too. He spends a lot of time in the chapel.”

“That’s hardly anything remarkable.” Luhan comments boredly. 

Jongdae feels rude remarks bubble under the surface of his tongue, but he remains quiet. Luhan’s just been having a rough time since Sehun left. 

“You’re cheeks look bloated. Did you eat breakfast today?” The older male suddenly asks, looking at Jongdae.

Jongdae’s eyes widen a bit in surprise at the comment. “Y-yeah, I did. I ate with Dr. Kai.”

“Figures. Trying to get “better” and leave me, like Sehun did?” Luhan sneers, growing more agitated. 

“What? No! I was just...hungry today. And Dr. Kai thinks it’s a good thing I’m eating more.” Jongdae defends his choice, feeling kind of stupid for needing to defend himself against his friend.

“Oh yeah? And what’s so good about it?” Luhan asks, glaring at Jongdae.

Jongdae bites his lip before answering. “I’ll be able to go home sooner! I’ll be able to go back to doing what I missed, making music!” his eyes begin glossing over with excess water.

“Sure, you can go back to making music...in between the bites of food you’ll be stuffing in your face every five seconds! Because believe me, once you start gaining the weight back, you won’t be able to stop. Out there there won’t be anyone to stop you from eating your weight in bread or snacks or fast food, and then you’ll be as heavy as those obese people on TV. See they don’t tell you that this whole eating disorder thing can shift from not eating to binge eating like that.” He snaps his fingers for emphasis. 

Jongdae feels panic creep up his legs and along his spine, digging into his skull. Was this true? Was he going to lose control of his eating habits and become morbidly and disgustingly obese? Jongdae suddenly became acutely aware of his stomach and how it felt like it was being slightly strained from the amount of food he’d eaten. And then he felt sick. He knew he’d probably gained a few pounds since arriving here, but had he really gained THAT much?

He then looked at Luhan, noticing the details about the Chinese man that he’d been overlooking the past few weeks. 

Luhan hadn’t gained an ounce. If anything, he looked skinnier, sicker, more corpse like. His eyes were about ten pounds away from bulging out of their sockets while his hair was beginning to thin. His arms were covered in downy hair and his lips were almost as pale as snow. Jongdae was sure that if Luhan hadn’t had clothes on, he’d be able to count the older man’s ribs and nearly see his internal organs as the skin became glued to the bone. 

But those were rational, Jongdae’s observations.

The Jongdae that brought Jongdae here, the one that was sick with mental disease, does not observe such things about Luhan.

This Jongdae believes that Luhan looks good, model and lover worthy. He looks healthy and fit, strong and lean. Whatever clothes he wears, he looks good in and probably feels good in too. 

Jongdae feels himself believe these corrupt thoughts and sparks of jealousy drip from his brain into his heart. He wants to look like Luhan. 

“So how do you do it then?” Jongdae hears himself ask.

Luhan just looks at the younger like he’s grown two heads. “How do I do what?”

“You know...avoid eating or whatever…” Jongdae feels himself grow self conscious. This stuff’s always kind of personal and he doesn’t want to overstep his bounds with his friend.

Luhan stubs out what’s left of his cigarette and smirks directly at his friend. “Why? Are you jealous?”

“N-no, I’m just curious!” Jongdae retorts, too quick to be believable.

Just then the orderlies inform everyone outside that it’s time to come in for Group. Luhan walks past Jongdae and places a hand on the younger’s shoulder. “Maybe next time.”

 

That night, Jongdae finds himself in his room with Baekhyun. The two are on their respective beds, minding their respective businesses. 

Baekhyun is scrawling something in a notebook, while Jongdae is bouncing a stress ball off the wall out of sheer boredom.

Then he hears Baekhyun curse, which Jongdae finds slightly comical. Baekhyun’s voice doesn’t suit such vulgar words. He seems too...innocent for things like swearing.

“Hay, do you have an extra pen? Mine just died.” Baekhyun asks politely, breaking the silence. He gets up from his spot on the floor and walks towards Jongdae.

Jongdae stops his actions and quickly digs a pen out of his nightstand drawer, handing it to his roommate. 

“Thanks.” Baekhyun states, taking the pen.

That’s when Jongdae notices them; the thin, pale, pink, and maroon colored scars scattered along the skin of Baekhyun’s wrists. A few look particularly disfiguring. 

Baekhyun clearly notices Jongdae’s not so discreet staring and goes back to sit down on the floor. "I'm not suicidal, just so you know."

"I wasn't--I didn't say you were." Jongdae replies hastily.

"That why you were staring?" Baekhyun asks, not sounding angry at all.

"I just noticed them. That's all." Jongdae answers, feeling his cheeks heat up in embarrassment at being caught staring.

"They're just scars." Baekhyun tells him, continuing to write in his notebook. "Loads of people have them."

"Most people don't cut themselves." Jongdae shoots back.

"I think you can agree we aren't most people though." Baekhyun responds, not missing a beat.

"True." Jongdae admits.

Jongdae notices the edges of Baekhyun's lips curl upward into the shadow of a smile. Jongdae decides he wants to see what Baekhyun's full smile would look like. He imagines it'd be a pretty sight in this shithole.

"Hay, Jongdae, want to play tick tac toe?" Baekhyun asks. 

Jongdae tosses his stress ball once more before sitting up. "Sure."  
“That why you’re in here?” Jongdae ventures to ask.

Baekhyun doesn’t bother looking up from his notebook. “Nope. They’re just the icing on the fucked up cake that is my life.”

Jongdae doesn’t say anything else about the scars and continues bouncing the stress ball off the wall until the lights turn off at 11pm as they always do.


End file.
